I LOST MY BROTHER BUT FOUND MYSELF

If you had asked me 10 years did I see myself performing naked on stage covered in body paint I probably would have been shocked at the thought and would deny the possibility that this may come to pass. Or, (nakedness aside) just performing on stage. I could not have imagined that I would find myself in the spotlight in any way. Not that I wouldn't be intrigued by such things. But I wouldn't have felt brave enough, or indeed known how to go about making these things happen.

I spent my whole life in the shadows, nose in a book, reading about other people doing amazing things. I dreamt that one day my time will come and I would be a part of 'the story'. But, knowing what I do (now), it's all a lot easier to imagine than 'do' - whilst sitting on the sofa (as has often been the case) waiting for it all to land on my lap. I think my basis of thought (back then) was riddled with fear; if I put myself out there, that was it, there was no going back. No chance to change my mind. No way to change the narrative. I realise (now) that the story always changes and often in a chaotic way. It can be what I want it to be, to a certain degree, if I work hard, but I can't control outcomes. But it's taken, and still taking, me a long time to process and understand that.


As a child I wanted to become a scientist. I wanted to explore the vast infinite universe and all its mysteries. When I realised physics might not be for me, I moved on to wanting to understand the vast complexities of human nature. I was a 'good' scientist; I took the degrees and I read the books. I embroiled myself in clean and neat experiments - I observed other people, and ignored the fact that I was, in fact, a part of the human race. I was just the observer. I was neat and tidy. But, beneath the surface I had a lot of my own complexities brewing away, and within those complexities lay a lot of darkness. I studied it in other people, but I refused to acknowledge my own feelings. Feelings were messy, and I wasn't messy. I had friends and boyfriends, but everything was 'nice' and light. We all did the same things and all agreed on the same things, and there wasn't room for discord or differing opinions. And if there was a differing opinion, then 'clearly you hate me and we should just end things' - that is a genuine quote from me, exposing some deep seated, and untapped insecurities. If people don't see the darkness, they won't leave, which clearly shows how little I have understood the most beautiful traits of the human condition.

Then 2018 happened. Sometimes I think of it as YEAR ZERO, although that might be my need for drama (and makes it sound like I joined a CULT!!!). My older brother died. I was devastated. He had been around me my entire life - and just like that he was gone. I went into denial about it. My already heightened need to pigeon hole everything went into overdrive. Whilst my family cried and mourned, I became very practical. I shirked my deep and intense emotional reaction. I refused to acknowledge that my brother had gone. When I met new people I didn't tell them about his death. I opted to talk as though he was still alive. I refused to use past-tense phrases to describe him. I led people to believe that he was very much alive. It was far easier this way, even though I was creating one holy mess for myself. I was angry. I was (wrongly) angry at him for leaving and I was angry at myself for not making more of our relationship when he was alive. I was angry at the universe on behalf of the life that was no longer being lived. I was broken and I felt like I had nobody to turn to, or that nobody would want to hear my rage-filled story. These feelings festered and accumulated for some months. I reached boiling point and decided to take action. Anything! Something 'out of character' even though it felt like the 'real me'. I took myself to the most crazy place I could find ... this is when I met Ben Thomas and Lucy Muse!


Meeting Ben and Lucy is (of course) another story (for another time) and there's lots to tell. I decided to change a lot of things. I wanted to 'live life'! I wanted to embrace my true feelings in a way that I was unable to do so before - to scare myself and shake myself out of a stupor.  I had air in my lungs, a voice and my own unique thoughts.

The past few years have been a transformative roller-coaster. I'm establishing myself, and realising what I actually want, rather than what I think I should want. I've learned new skills, and I'm starting to find my own inner strength. I don't feel like 'I've found myself' - I'm still me! I still find myself wanting to control outcomes or present a front. But I am becoming more accepting of who I am. I've learned not to hide who I am and how I feel (good and bad). My world is varied and vibrant and I'm learning to accept the fear. I now feel very grateful towards my brother. His death, which I now fully accept in all its rich tragedy and pain has empowered me to open my mind, and hopefully, live a life that is true to who I am rather than who I think I should be.

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